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SATIRE
China blasts US over mullet
epidemic
By John Hosterman
BEIJING - As the world heaps criticism on China
for its lack of aggressiveness and transparency in
dealing with its outbreak of severe acute respiratory
syndrome (SARS), many Chinese officials have expressed
anger and concern over another outbreak that has swept
through China and perhaps elsewhere in Asia.
Addressing a gathering of journalists in Beijing
on Friday, Wu Yi, deputy prime minister and new health
minister, demanded that the United States be more
proactive in dealing with the all-American "squirrel
pelt" hairdo, also known as the "mullet". The growing
popularity of the mullet, which is characterized by
short hair on the top and sides of the head and a long
drape of hair at the back, poses a grave threat to
China's sovereignty, said Wu. Despite recent offers from
President Bush for US assistance in dealing with its
domestic SARS epidemic, Wu blasted US leaders and the
foreign press for applying a double standard in dealing
with international health issues.
"Those
hypocritical bastards say we didn't do enough in
February to contain the spread of SARS, but they've let
those 'ape drapes' get out of hand domestically for
years, and now China's paying the price for it," she
said. "If they had just put [Hollywood actor] Kevin
Bacon under quarantine back in the '80s, this would not
be an issue today." Bacon, star of numerous popular
films in the 1980s, is widely acknowledged as a
"super-spreader" of the mullet.
Known in China
as the ayishushu or "uncle auntie" haircut, the
mullet is raging unabated throughout the country, whose
beauty parlors and barber shops are often ill-equipped
to cope with the abomination. Wu said 578 mullet cases
had been diagnosed in Beijing alone, with cases
increasing 36 percent from March to April. It is feared
that rural areas in the world's most populous country
could be severely affected by the spread of the mullet,
but no statistics have been provided by the Health
Ministry. The ministry has been forced to implement
extreme measures to contain the hairdo, placing victims
under quarantine, subjecting them to summary shaves and
forcing them to compose letters of self-criticism. Wu
flatly denied claims made in a May 23 Washington Post
story that the ministry had been secretly selling the
harvested mullets to buyers in an unspecified US state.
"That's absolutely absurd," said the livid Wu, "I don't
even know where Indiana is."
Officials quietly
pulled popular television broadcasts of professional
wrestling and said mandatory "hairstyle declarations"
would be in place at all international airports in the
country by May 15.
On Thursday, Premier Wen
Jiabao called an emergency meeting of the State Council,
China's cabinet, to discuss administrative measures in
dealing with the crisis. The council outlined a
four-point strategy for mullet eradication and
rubber-stamped an official slogan to mobilize the masses
behind the campaign. Bright-red banners were visible in
parks and on public buildings throughout the country,
eclipsing the ubiquitous light-blue SARS posters.
English banners have appeared, in an apparent attempt to
warn China's growing foreign population against attacks
on China's coiffure sovereignty. One such banner
declared: "Up with China, down with hicks, Mao and
mullets do not mix!"
Wen will also travel to
Bangkok next week for strategic discussions with Thai
Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra. The recently
announced meeting comes in the wake of a mullet sighting
outside an A&W Root Beer stand in downtown Bangkok's
Siam Square, which has prompted fears that the outbreak
has grown into a regional issue. Unverified reports of
mullet sightings have also come from Japan and the
Philippines. Although Chinese Health Ministry officials
have yet to determine the origin of the outbreak, some
health professionals have noted the wide availability of
the mulleted American country singer Billy Ray Cyrus's
albums on China's black market.
Newly appointed
Chinese President Hu Jintao, in the western municipality
of Chongqing to attend a state-sponsored monster-truck
rally, said he officially shared Health Minister Wu's
position on the crisis. However, Hu, sporting a bold new
haircut, was also quoted as saying he thought Wu should
"chill out just a little bit, especially with the Kevin
Bacon stuff".
"I mean, I'm not a big fan of the
'Kentucky waterfall' [another name for the mullet]
either, but there are definitely times when you just
gotta cut footloose," he said before taking another swig
off of a Pabst Blue Ribbon beer.
(©2003 Asia
Times Online Co, Ltd. All rights reserved. Please
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