Dear
Spengler, As chief executive officer of the
world’s only hyperpower, my approval rating has
fallen to just 37%. One of my senior aides was
indicted for political dirty tricks. No one seems
to like me anymore. What should I
do? Worried in Washington
Dear
Worried, First of all, count your blessings -
you still are the leper with the most fingers.
There isn’t a single functioning government among
any
of the major Western nations. You are lucky that
you are not the president of France (see below),
or the chancellor of Germany (which doesn’t have
one). You might be the prime minister of Italy,
whose Mediaset Corporation just had its Swiss bank
accounts seized by police for money laundering.
You might be the prime minister of Britain, whose
closest ally, David Blunkett, resigned from the
cabinet over some shady business dealings, and who
nearly lost a vote in the Commons on his
government’s flagship anti-terrorism
bill.
Second, stop worrying about what to
do. In fact, do as little as possible. Right now
there is nothing you can do to mar or bless the
fortunes of your country. Economic policy is in
the hands of the central bank, and foreign policy
is in the hands of God. Americans may not like
what is happening in Baghdad, but they are
gratified that they do not live in Paris. Let
Chirac worry. Spengler
Dear
Spengler, I am the president of the world’s
grandest nation. Muslims are rioting throughout my
country and won’t stop. Neither threats nor
promises seem to help. What should I
do? Perplexed in Paris
Dear
Perplexed, You might consider the American
approach, which is to reduce the population of
potential trouble-makers. In 1968, when urban
riots troubled American cities, there were 200,000
prisoners in state and federal jails. Now there
are nearly a million and a half. No more riots!
One out of three young black men has been arrested
for a serious crime. Your country has only 55
prisoners per 100,000 of population, compared to
over 700 in the United States.
Of course,
the Americans stumbled onto to this solution by
accident and put it into effect piecemeal,
incarcerating troublemakers one at a time. With
your grandiose intellect, you could do it faster
and cheaper. Rather than build prisons, simply
deport all the undocumented North African aliens,
who number between 1 and 2 million. Announce that
you will draw a bright line between citizens of
France, and foreign undesirables. Say that
Frenchmen require sympathy and subsidies, while
the illegals merely require passage on the next
boat home. That will get their attention.
Of course, this does not address the other
matter of what your Grande Nation will do as your
native population turns grey and shrinks. Sorry,
only one answer per
inquiry. Spengler
Dear
Spengler, A few months ago I was elected head
of the world’s largest religion. For years I have
been warning that moral relativism has weakened
the foundations of European civilization. Now I
speak from the pulpit of St Peter, but they still
won’t listen to me. What am I doing
wrong? Restless in Rome
Dear
Restless, Relax. Lay in a supply of popcorn and
keep your television turned to the news from
Paris. They will listen. Spengler
Ask
Spengler
