At this weekend's G8 meetings,
discussions between finance ministers of
industrialized or developed nations will likely
ignore the actual issues confronting these
countries over the next few years. The following
is a letter to the collective group of G8 finance
ministers, which we hope does not prove too taxing
for their intellects. The grouping includes
Canada, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, Russia, the
United Kingdom and the United States.
Dear Dinosaurs,
It is not often
that your good selves manage to meet in a nice
waterhole like Washington, so
allow me to congratulate you on your choice of
venue for this year's conclave. You have made the
correct environmental choice by going to
Washington, for where else in the world can such a
large and important meeting benefit from the ready
availability of hot air from a proximate source
(Capitol Hill, just behind on your left). Indeed,
a friend of mine tells me that hot air emissions
from Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney would have
been sufficient to heat all your hotel rooms, but
for the unfortunate departure of the former
prematurely which has left you all overly reliant
on the latter both for heat and comic relief.
Still, it could have been worse - for example.
Hillary Clinton as President would have likely
melted many a libido before it lands in the United
States.
Before we delve into the topics
likely to confront you, may I ask each of you to
look to your left and right, and ask whether the
countries at your table actually mean anything for
the global economy any more? Besides the obvious
point that three countries that actually make up a
bulk of global economic growth - China, Brazil and
India if you were not paying attention when your
economic consultant was talking - are
conspicuously absent at the table, the countries
around you by and large represent the most
significant economic drag the world has seen in
the last few decades. If indeed your idea was to
cobble together a group of the world's largest
losers, then please discard the previous comment
and congratulate yourselves on the stupendous
success of the initiative.
If not though,
perhaps you have ask yourselves why someone makes
it a point to invite France and Italy to this
grouping, when neither of them has benefited from
a functioning economy in the last five years. The
Italian economy shrivels faster than the polar ice
caps, and very soon will be reduced to a rump of
old factories outside Turin and a couple of
tailors in Milan. Then again, you do still have
Japan in the mix, so perhaps it would be cruel to
eject any of the Europeans who at least show the
good grace to allow a reproduction-led takeover of
their states by Muslims, a little demographic
nicety that the Japanese could easily cobble
together by just opening their borders to Filipino
maids and nurses. Even if I bring myself to
understand all three of these countries, can
someone explain what Canada is doing in this
grouping? They don't even have the declining
factories of Italy or the jaded tourism of France,
and as of this summer nor do they have a
functioning financial system. Do you really need a
member whose raison d être is this meeting?
Financial wobbles Now that I
have cruelly broached the "F" word, ie, financial
system, perhaps it is time to look around the
table once again. Massive losses have gripped
banks in Canada, France, Germany and the United
States, while the UK has actually witnessed a bank
run (1). As for Japan, improvements to their
financial system are slow enough to make snails
complain. All that means of course that you will
find that the standard-bearers for financial
system stability in your grouping are Italy and
Russia. Now, think about that for a moment - do
you know of any other business in the world where
Italy and Russia set the benchmark, other than
organized crime?
The crisis is of course
entirely of your own making. For years now, you
have focused unnecessary energy on getting Asian
countries to float their currencies, whilst
ignoring your own responsibilities to balance your
budgets and reduce dependence on their savings.
The arbiters of quality in your bond markets, the
rating agencies, were allowed to flourish as
corrupt business entities without any oversight
whatsoever. Meanwhile, as your citizens splurged
on a borrowing binge all of you looked on like
proud hippie parents witnessing their kids
absorbing their first bong hits (2). Some of you
are less culpable than others, to be sure -
Russia, for example. Then again, none of you can
imagine Russia as an example of anything, so let
us move on.
Your central banks have fallen
into the trap of unleashing liquidity on an
unsuspecting population, who gobble up cheap
financing without realizing the inflation sting
that lies ahead. Citizens in other countries have
smartened to the moral bankruptcy of your central
bankers, and taken to purchasing billions of
dollars worth of gold, oil and other real assets
(3). Indeed my read of The Mogambo Guru tells me
that even your own citizens are catching on to
your schemes so perhaps there is a much closer day
of
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