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PYONGYANG WATCH
North Korea and the lightbulb
dilemma
By Aidan Foster-Carter
So grave is the situation in North Korea that
sometimes humor seems the only honest response, other
than clinical depression. It's so absolutely not funny
that you've got to laugh. Soon, be assured, gravity will
be restored. Meanwhile, how many North Koreans does it
take to change a lightbulb?
It doesn't take a
lot to distract me with silliness. But this time blame
the eminently serious Chosun Ilbo, a leading Seoul
daily. Its adjunct North Korea website, NKChosun.com,
has handy potted profiles of Pyongyang's movers and
shakers. One such is Kim Jong-il's sister Kim Kyong-hui,
who's big in light industry. There's a photo: you can
see the likeness, perm and all. But then they write:
"Gender: Male".
Okay, it's not that funny. But
it set me thinking about other instances of North Korean
transsexualism (all in the mind, of course). In one of
the endless compilations of the Dear Leader's good
deeds, he lent his coat to someone in a rainstorm. When
he got home, we are told, he hung "his dripping dress"
over a chair. Whatever turns you on, comrade. A rare
slip (oops), and I hope not a fatal one for the
translator.
Then again: if Kim Kyong-hui is a
guy after all, that may explain why her husband has been
acting up. Jang Song-thaek, a party vice director - no,
not that kind of vice: it ain't that kind of party, at
least not in public - is Kim Jong-il's right-hand man.
As such, there was great excitement in Seoul in October
when he came to town as part of an economic delegation.
Though not officially head of the team, so in awe of him
were the others that in the hotel they moved close to
the wall to let him pass - often in his pajamas, for
added dignity. One day he overslept, but no North Korean
dared wake him: a Southerner had to do it, and the day's
schedule was delayed by an hour. Communist equality:
don't ya just love it?
Then I read the latest
blast from the Committee for the Peaceful Reunification
of the Fatherland. Don't let that "peaceful" fool you.
The CPRF does angry the way North Korea always does
angry, which is Really, Really Mad. Their target? Not US
pressure on nukes or missiles, for once, but 007
himself. As you surely know by now, the new James Bond
movie, Die Another Day, is partly set in Korea.
I've yet to see it, but apparently it dares to suggest
that North Korea tortures people and is not a very nice
place.
A "dirty and cursed burlesque aimed to
slander the DPRK [Democratic People's Republic of Korea]
and insult the Korean nation", thundered the CPRF;
blaming the United States as "the headquarters that
spreads abnormality, degeneration, violence and ...
corrupt sex culture". Brosnan and Berry get up close and
unspiritual in a Buddhist temple: sensitive, huh? South
Koreans are offended too, but Pyongyang can hardly talk
- having itself done to religion pretty much what Pierce
does to Halle. Besides, isn't North Korea, with its spy
ships and kidnaps, a real-life tacky nasty sub-Bond
B-movie? Talk about life imitating art. And as for
"corrupt sex culture", who can deny that here, as ever,
the Dear Leader keeps abreast of modern global trends
... (On second thoughts, not exactly Bond. Kim Jong-il
as Austin Powers is more like it. What a pair of style
icons!)
Anyhow, as I was saying, how many North
Koreans does it take to change a lightbulb? Take your
pick:
56: the heroic people's detachment to storm the
lightbulb heights (10); the relevant Party section (20);
a propaganda art troupe to play light music (25); and a
solidarity delegation from Belarus (1).
Go out and read under the streetlight like everyone
else, comrade. If you can find one working.
None. The DPRK wants for nothing. Our lightbulbs,
made in our own peculiar style, fully satisfy our
people's taste. Only a traitor would seek to change
them. When the arduous march is over and the US
imperialists defeated, then we shall switch on one, two,
many lightbulbs in a blaze of glory.
As the Great Leader taught: "Early to bed and early
to rise, 20-watt bulbs can damage your eyes." Now off to
sleep with you. An empty stomach is good mental
training. Tomorrow is another day.
As the Dear Leader taught, in his on-the-spot
guidance at the Ryanggang No 69 Lightbulb Works: "Whoa,
you're a bright one. Bet you gotta lotta watts. You sure
turn me on. Light my fire, baby!"
Everything is illuminated by the sun's rays of the
great Juche idea! We have no need of lightbulb.
The lightbulb is a primitive relic of outmoded
feudal society. Socialism demands its replacement by the
progressive fluorescent tube. Under the Five Year Plan
we shall make millions. Eventually.
What is a lightbulb, please?
Our People's Army will thoroughly smash the
perfidious imperialist plot to stir up lightbulb envy,
which is nothing but a base ruse to poke searchlights
into the DPRK and ferret out state secrets.
Only one - but Kim Jong-il must really want to
change.
(©2002 Asia Times Online Co, Ltd. All
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