In India, an institute for ideal
wives By Shuriah Niazi
BHOPAL, India - None of India's immensely
popular soap operas are complete without a good
and angry family feud. Television serials like
Kutumb focus on traditional Indian family
relationships within the sometimes conflicting,
usually contentious, context a modern, global
India. With class issues, jealousies, money
problems and career woes, these dramas present
today's nuclear family as on the verge of
explosion. Almost always at the center, is that
time-old troublemaker - the mother-in-law.
Observers say the soaps and other aspects
of popular culture reflect a society in intense
transition, and a widening generation gap that's
disrupting the traditional family nexus. The
Indian constitution grants equal rights, but
strong patriarchal traditions
persist, and women's lives
are shaped by customs that are centuries old.
There is fear in the minds of many young couples
that the arrival of a new bride will create rifts
among family members, specifically with the
mother-in-law, as the newcomer may have
insufficient knowledge and respect for Indian
culture and family traditions.
Enter the
world's only institute for ideal wives. The Manju
Sanskar Kendra (MSK), on the outskirts of Bophal
in the Central Indian state of Madhya Pradesh, has
for 20 years undertaken the task of removing such
worries and instructing young girls in the customs
believed to be essential for a successful married
life. The MSK provides a training course, complete
with textbooks and three months of daily
instruction, for women to become happy, efficient
wives and ideal daughters-in-law. Bhau Aildas
Hemnani, the 68-year-old director of the center,
told Asia Times Online that he believes it is the
only school of its kind on earth.
"Men
build society and women build homes," Hemnani, a
retired local government officer who founded the
MSK to thwart the "constant bickering" he heard
around him, once declared to a journalist. He
claims that more than 4,500 young women have
graduated from the MSK, most from southern India,
but many from distant areas and some from
overseas. The school is supported by community
donations totaling some 35,000 rupees (US$$888)
per month and doesn't bother to advertise.
According to Hemnani, the school's popularity is
generated by reputation and word of mouth. In
1994, the MSK upgraded to a permanent building,
and expanded its faculty to two, when Mumbai-based
stockbroker Sukhram Das Mehtani donated one
million rupees on the condition the school be
named for his daughter who died before she was 18.
Grants from wealthy businessmen are not uncommon,
Hemnani says.
Young women of marriageable
age arrive early in the morning six days a week.
After listening to sermons and a session of
singing bhajans (religious songs), the
girls begin instruction in cooking, sewing and
praying. Students spend the first month learning
Sikh and Hindu scriptures, the second month has
lessons in naturopathy and the third is entirely
dedicated to domestic life
A typical class
averages around 20 girls who pursue a curriculum
of "wifely manners" that includes, among other
things, how to brush one's teeth in the in-law's
house, how to eat, and how to control one's sex
drive in a family home with limited private space.
As the Times of India reported in 2005, at the MSK
the seven vows of saath pheras are passed
on as lifelong commandments, that an ideal wife
must have five "ornaments" - coyness in her eyes,
a smile on her face, sweetness in her speech, love
in her heart and a hand that can work very hard.
Hemnani has authored three textbooks and
distributes them free to his students. In his book
(Practical Married Life), Hemnani writes
"Science has proved that when menstruating women
touch leaves and plants they wilt and decay
faster."
Another passage reads, "Too much
sex is the cause of diabetes and tuberculosis
among men." Hemnani goes on to stress abstinence
as the most proper contraceptive tactic and
advises women to engage in sex only for
procreation. During pregnancy it is not advised to
for women to look at blind, disabled, deaf or
"unattractive" people.
The books are
dotted with such nonsense. Similar remarks have
been laughed-off by women's rights groups and
social activists, many who call the MSK
"ridiculous", anti-women and regressive. "We don't
have any objection if the center starts teaching
men to be an ideal husband, father or son. It
would be a step towards building a balanced
society. Why only train girls to be submissive?"
wondered Sandhya Shelly, state president of the
All India Democratic Women's Association in a 2003
press statement.
An entire textbook
chapter is dedicated to dealing with the
mother-in-law. The book reads, "If she is
short-tempered, greedy and haughty, you can still
win her over with your docile and polite behavior.
Along with your patience and soft behavior, you
should pray to God for a change in her behavior.
Whenever possible take your mother-in-law out for
religious deliberations and sing holy bhajans to
purify her heart."
Hemnan is a believer.
He told Asia Times Online, "These girls will be
ideal brides when they reach the house of their
in-laws. A good bride can bring happiness and
prosperity in the family of their husbands by
fulfilling her duties and respecting the Indian
traditions. We try to check the break-ups in the
Indian families and develop qualities of
forbearance and graciousness in girls."
Just ask Asha Wadhwani, a school teacher,
who joined the MSK on the advice of her friend.
She's very pleased with the course and believes
it's given her a better understanding of cultural
differences.
"All that is required in a
girl's personality is taught here," Wadhwani said.
"I teach English and see that the children are
very much impressed by the Western culture. Such a
situation leads to discords. The children only
begin to learn and respect Indian traditions and
cultures if they are told about [them]."
Sushma, another MSK alumnus, agrees. "Now
I'm confident that I'll not commit any mistake
after marriage. If there is Western atmosphere in
the home of in-laws then I'll first try to
understand their viewpoint. I'll accept whatever
I'll feel is right. I shall also try to explain to
them politely whatever education I've received
here," she said.
Classmate Anamika
Phoolwani said that only after coming to the
center did she realized the grave mistakes she was
making before her elders.
"It was my
viewpoint before coming to this center that I must
not do domestic work since I [have] a job. But
after receiving the training here I feel that my
thinking was wrong," she said.
And MSK
graduate Anupama witnessed big personal changes.
"I live in my [in-laws] family. I've witnessed a
big change in myself after visiting this center,"
she said. "I find that the qualities of mercy,
compassion and forgiveness have added to the charm
in my personality."
Phoolwani says that by
learning to give love and respect to her
mother-in-law domestic chores are now handled
easily between them. "Egoism leads to quarrels
between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. But
there are some responsibilities, which must be
fulfilled after the marriage. Now my mother-in-law
is very happy with me."
Despite the
endorsements, many believe the teachings of the
MSK to be anachronistic, baseless and utterly out
of touch with modern realities. Social activist
Sadhna Karnik told Asia Times Online that the
school misses miserably on its approach to
lowering domestic violence and the infamous "dowry
deaths" that have been publicized in India
recently. "Such a school should be shut down," she
said.
Others, such as local activist Vijya
Pathak, say the MSK has no value and hinders
social integration for many rural and uneducated
young women. "It is my view that school, and
schools like it, are of no use for girls. It's up
to them to decide how they want to lead their
life," she said.
Shuriah Niazi is a
freelance writer based in central India.
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